CEALED KASKET – Cealed Kasket
Written by John Payne
Even though Cealed Kasket are from Chicago…um, England, that is, they have become a familiar and frequent sight in Madison, often performing on bills with our own Awesome Car Funmaker. Like Funmaker, Cealed Kasket make fun a priority live and on record, but unlike Funmaker they use black metal as source material, and are all immortal (except for singer Mortal Death). Oh, yeah, and they fucking hate all of us.
Clearly the music on Cealed Kasket is not meant to be taken very seriously. But metal is a tough genre to parody, because let’s face it, even the best metal bands are a little hilarious, and often more than a little (Slayer: “Enter to the realm of Satan!” Sabbath: “The soul I took from you was not even missed, yeah!” Metallica: “Frantic! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick! Tock!”). To successfully parody a genre like death metal, you really have to go to extremes. Luckily, Cealed Kasket go to those extremes. The riffs probably give Judas Priest’s lawyers grounds for a lawsuit, the open low E-strings of the bass and guitar are pummeled mercilessly, and the guitar solos of Sarsicus the Wizard are gloriously self-indulgent. The lyrics, like many metal lyrics, can’t be taken seriously; “Sex! Sex Sex! Sex Sex Sex!” is most likely the best line here, though runners up include “Horse! Horse! Horse!” and “Axe! Face! Axe! Axe! Face!” Quasi-ballad “Fuckin’ Murder You” is every bit as great as its title. And pretty much any band with their own theme song gets extra credit, though it’s a little unusual to have it at the end of the album rather than the beginning.
The only real drawback of Cealed Kasket is that it pales in comparison to the live music experience they offer. “Horse” just isn’t quite the same without the band asking how many assholes arrived by automobile and how many by horse (guess which one is cheered more loudly), and “Three Teams” isn’t quite the same without, well, the three teams, red, brown, and gold.
Then again, being in attendance at a Cealed Kasket show means there’s a 66% chance you’ll burn, burn, burn down below, and a 100% chance you’ll be buried alive, so maybe just hanging out at home and listening to the CD is a pretty good idea after all. The humor and rock come through just enough to capture Cealed Kasket’s 16th century Spinal Tap vibe, and at a taut 29 minutes, Cealed Kasket doesn’t have enough time to get old. Hilarious and heavy, it has the potential to be a rare album; one equally loved by people who enjoy metal and by people who can’t stand it.